I feel like I should post an update to my completely abysmal and despondent last post: med adjustments have been made; therapy has begun, again; school is back in session. 

 I. Feel. Good.

I think, in large part, this is due to (1) passing my state certification examination (PMH-NP!), and (2) realizing that I’m only SIX MONTHS away from a brand new life! Woo!

LIsten, I have had a good life–maybe not always a lucky or happy or easy life, but a good life. I grew up loved and wanted. I have siblings who will have my back. I have friends who are loyal and kind. I have kids who have absolutely saved me. 

And I don’t know if it’s my dad’s recent death or my advanced middle age or my tendency to overthink, but as I look back on my life decisions, they feel very …. Expected. I’ve always done what’s expected. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing, but I have all of these new, crazy ideas swirling around in my head: WHAT DOES JENNY REALLY WANT?

I am grateful–SO, SO GRATEFUL–for my daughters. They have saved me countless times. But they’re both in college, now. They have big plans for their future (as they should!). So as I begin this new chapter of my life, both as an almost-empty-nester and as an almost-nurse practitioner, I start to examine my past life choices and how I got here.

First, let me be clear: I do not regret where I’ve ended up in life. While it’s been painful at times (so painful), I’m glad I’ve had those growth experiences because I generally like who I am. I’ve been forced to become strong and independent, and that’s been a very good thing for me. Still, as I look back on my life, I feel like I’ve had the tendency to just go with the flow and do the next expected (easy?) thing. I went to college because I was supposed to. I graduated with a degree in English because it was easy (for me). I divorced because I had to. I moved out of my hometown because I wanted to be close to my sister for moral support. I became a nurse because I needed to feed my children. I lucked into being a psych nurse (I mean, I wanted to be in psych but the whole thing kinda happened by accident, not some master plan). 

These aren’t bad things! But they’re choices I made because I didn’t really see any other viable options. But now … now I’ve got the world opening up to me in a way it hasn’t, before. I’m comfortable in my own skin–I’m not afraid of life like I used to be. I no longer have little ones who are depending on me. I will be more financially free than I have ever been. 

I . Have. Choices.

That’s an amazing feeling, and I don’t want to waste it. I don’t want to waste a moment of it. I want to go places and to see things that I’ve never had the opportunity to experience. I want to live in a city–a REAL city. I want to travel. I want to volunteer. I want to make new friends who will teach me new things. I want to build my life from the ground up and see what this “new” (not actually new–rather old!) Jenny is all about. I want to see who she is when she makes decisions based on what she WANTS versus what is expected.

I’m exceedingly excited about my future, about the possibilities. I don’t want to squander this willingness/openness that I’m feeling. I want to embrace it and run with it and see where I land. Everything–EVERYTHING–feels wildly and wonderfully possible in this moment. If I made it through grad school while working full time (nights!) and raising kids and fighting depression, what CAN’T I do?! 

I have nearly raised two amazing, impressive, hilarious, independent women. I will always, always, always be their mom, first and foremost … but I’m also ready to step back from kid-mothering to adult-mothering. It’s a different gig, doncha know, and I’m determined to focus on the positive parts (because there’s definitely some melancholy mixed in there, too). I’m so interested to see where we all land because I know, without a doubt, that these girls o’ mine are going places, too.

It’s time to move mountains. 🙂