Welp.

Ever since this whole thing started in the US, I’ve been thinking, “I need to write about this,” and every day since this whole thing started, I’ve pushed that feeling to the back of my mind and ignored it. I’m not completely sure why – although a decent guess would be that I don’t want to face the enormity of what’s happening. 

I’m tired, friends. I’m tired and frustrated.  I’m tired of the people who act like this virus isn’t a big deal. Like our rights are being stripped away.  Like the whole thing is a giant hoax – perpetrated by whom, I’m not quite sure. I am grateful that I don’t work in the ER or the ICU. Very grateful and also exceedingly grateful for those nurses. I’ve never felt more connected with my fellow nurses as I do now.  Now, we see the dedication that exists in this profession. We see why nurses are the most trusted of all professions. Because we, at the end of the day, are advocates for our patients. That’s our passion; that’s what we do. 

As for me, I’ve sent my girls to live with their dad as this drags on. While I’m not in the ER or ICU, my patients are high risk for this type of virus due to their lifestyles. When I see people treating this cavalierly, I take that personally. I am sitting alone in my condo, hour after hour, day after day, while some people scoff at the whole situation.  I know I shouldn’t take that personally, but I really do. 

So, on the relative surface, that’s where I’m at, that’s what I’m thinking. But there’s so much more to all of this. It’s surreal; it’s overwhelming; it’s humbling. 

I miss people. And for sure, I’m an extrovert so that’s not terribly surprising. But I mean I REALLY miss people. Going to work is my salvation and I’m eternally grateful for it and for my coworkers (they are the BEST!), but my thoughts naturally drift to what life will be like once this is finally over … Will this change our interactions? Will this strip away some of our American independence to make way for healthy interdependence? I hope it does. I hope we learn something from this. I hope it changes our lives in some substantive way.

But will it? I look at the news, and I still see divisiveness. I see anger. I see what looks like hate, though I really hope it’s not. I don’t get it, guys. I don’t get it at all. I don’t get people wanting to believe the worst and to look for conspiracy theories and to almost enjoy (?!) feeling attacked and persecuted. I mean, I see that in my patients. I see those symptoms in my patients every single shift that I work, and it breaks my heart. I cannot understand how some people seemingly CHOOSE that.

I wish I had an answer. Some answer. Any answer. But I don’t. It’s all so confusing and gray and foggy. 

But you know … the one resounding lesson that has come to me again and again throughout my life – albeit wrapped in different packages and different bows – is that THE answer is to love. Love with wild abandon. And that doesn’t just mean your spouse or your significant other or your child or your friend. That means EVERY. HUMAN. BEING. Every single one. The good ones, the bad ones, the black ones, the white ones, the straight ones, the queer ones, the smart ones, the dumb ones, the rich ones, the poor ones, the industrious ones, the lazy ones. ALL THE ONES. All of them. I’m not saying you approve of them or condone everything your philosophical neighbor does, but I am saying that you love them. You value their lives because they are human not because of anything they’ve done or said or have. 

I’m not perfect at this. I’m not even sure that I’m good at it. But I do try. And I hope you try, too. I know a lot of you do. Dare I say most? Yes. I think most. I think most people are good and kind and generous. Maybe we just need to find each other a little more and shout a little louder? 

In the meantime, I love you all. Even those of you who drive me a little mad. And I’ll keep working to show that a little better, a little more often. I hope you’ll join me. And know that when you see me in my mask, I am smiling at you – because I still am, despite it all and despite the fact that I know no one can see me smiling. Because *I* know that I’m smiling and that’s all I can do, with what I have, where I’m at. 

Peace.