Such a strange feeling for me. Contentment? Is that what I’m experiencing? It’s difficult to identify because I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. Work is hard; school is busy; I barely have a moment to think these days … And yet lately I’ve noticed a calm about me that I haven’t had in a very long time.  And it’s nice.

I’ll tell you, I’ve learned one important thing about myself recently and that is that I am WAY better off being busy. I function at a much higher level when my days are jam-packed. I think it’s because, with less time to do things, I organize more and procrastinate less (says the girl who has a paper due tomorrow that is not yet finished). There is no “I’ll do it later.” There is only now.

I love school. And by school, I mean my field experience. I know that I am SO DAMN LUCKY to have found my passion and am able to make a living at it. I know not everyone is as lucky. To be fair, though, there are precious few other things in my life that could be called lucky. I mean, I’ve seen my patients. I’ve heard their stories. I know my life could have been/could be much worse–but I’ve not lead a charmed life, either.

A friend posted on Facebook recently, “Do you ever stop in awe at how amazing life can be?” and I answered, “No. I really don’t. Beyond my comprehension.” As I write this, I realize that sounds like it’s in conflict with my initial statement about feeling content. And I guess it is, kinda. But maybe not. I was texting with a friend tonight and we were talking about divorce and how it changes you. “For me it was difficult to go to school and work while the girls were young and Jake [the ex] was far away.” “But you did it,” was the response. “Yeah. I’ll never be the same but I did it,” I replied, and even as I typed those words, I was struck by them. In that moment, I didn’t feel empowered by that process (which is usually how I have felt about that process–stronger). No. I felt disappointed. All of a sudden, I’m viewing things from a different perspective. Those years fundamentally altered me. Yes, I am stronger. Yes, I am more independent. Yes, I am more self-assured. But you know what else I am? I am more cynical. I am more jaded. I am more likely NOT to trust than to trust.

I wasn’t always so. In fact, I used to take great pride in being what my mom called her “little ray of sunshine.” That state of being was, mostly, my genuine self (the depression adds another layer but that’s a separate blog). I was happy, cheerful, optimistic. I liked people–I mean, I REALLY liked them! I believed in happily ever after. Not fairy tales, per se, but happily ever after. I believed that good always wins. I BELIEVED those things.

And now … I don’t. Not really.

But this is where we circle back to contentment. The divorce was painful, difficult. The relationship I had for many years after that was AWESOME. Except when it wasn’t. And we always had THE BEST time together. Except when we didn’t. There was no even keel. There was awesome; then there was awful. Close, then confused. In love, then indifferent. There was never stability, never something/someone that I could count on, never trust in. It was one extreme to the other. 

But.

Now I’m here. I’m not a “little ray of sunshine.” I’m not blindly optimistic. I’m not riding amazing highs and enduring crushing lows. I am busy–so busy–and I don’t have the time or energy for what now feels like the extreme vicissitudes of the past. I don’t find myself breathless with anticipation or overcome with any emotion–good or bad.

And you know what? I’m liking it. It feels like the eye, the calm, in the middle of the hurricane of my life. It feels like peace in the midst of chaos. I have no idea if this is transient or if this is my new normal. There is, to be sure, a piece of me that misses that intensity and naivete of that young girl. I don’t feel as funny or as smart or as intuitive or as energetic or as excited as I remember feeling in the past. All of those feelings escape me. Definitely miss pieces of that. But there are also pieces that I don’t miss at all. I don’t miss feeling confused, unsure, insecure, or broken. No, the highs aren’t here–I’m not looking at life with awe or wonder–but I’m also not in pain. I’m not struggling emotionally. I’m not thinking, “Hey, if I don’t wake up tomorrow, that’s just fine with me” (and I felt that way A LOT. So much. Nearly constantly). I feel calm.  And centered.

Hey.

Maybe that’s it, you know.

Maybe that’s my “awe and wonder.”

That I can just BE, and be okay.

As always, it’s about living in the gray area, the mist. No sure answers but plenty of questions. Maybe living in the gray area isn’t so bad. Maybe it’s exactly where I need to be.