I haven’t written recently but I was cleaning out my phone and found a treasure trove of things that have made me laugh.  These are mostly conversations with my daughters but not exclusively.  Clearly they know and take advantage of my rule: If it makes me laugh, you’re not in trouble.

 

Me: Carolyn, when we get home, we should watch a movie.

C: I don’t think so. I’m gonna Snapchat.

Me: Okay, but don’t send any nudes.

C: Then what am I doing on Snapchat?!

 

Watching Parks & Rec with the girls. I ask what character I would be <fingers crossed for Leslie Knope!>…

Both girls: Ann Perkins.

Me: What?!?? Just because she’s a nurse?!

Them: No. You’re both terrible at dating.

 

Upon talking about my assessment video assignment…

Me: I just can’t believe I was able to talk for 28 min—

Coworker: I can.

 

Upon discussing my cooking….

Me: I *CAN* make some things!

Carolyn: You can make a lot of things, Mom. They’re just not very good.

 

Texting Chrissy:

Me: How do I turn my phone off and on?

C: Hold the power button until it says slide to power off

Me: Which is?

C: The one that locks your phone

Me: Got it!

C: How do you even have a smart phone?

Me: Zip.

 

Upon seeing my ID badge…

Patient: When was that picture taken?

Me: When I started here, about three years ago.

Pt: You were a lot thinner then.

 

Chrissy: Mom, why haven’t you found the right guy, yet?

Me: I dunno, Chrissy. Maybe I’m actually a lesbian. Maybe I should be looking for the right girl, instead.

C: That’s cool. Just make sure she can cook.

 

Me: Carolyn, can I borrow your internet thing tonight?

C: You mean my laptop?

Me: Same difference.

 

Both girls: Are you working on Thanksgiving this year?

Me: Yep. I am.

Them: Cool. That means we get to eat good food at Dad’s. No offense.

 

Me: Carolyn, you should be a nurse when you grow up.

C: Don’t you want me to be a nun, instead, so you don’t go to hell?

 

Chrissy: Sometimes I wonder why you’re not married, Mom, then I remember, “Oh, you’re evil.”

 

Carolyn: Mom, come over here.

Me: Oh, Care, I feel like crap. I don’t wanna move.

C: Just for a sec…

Me: Seriously, I can’t move.

C: Sure you can. Just believe.

(I take this as a psych nurse win!)

 

Chrissy: I wish I had a nice mom.

Me: You can’t always get what you want, kid.

Upon stepping on a box of Gobstoppers that SOMEONE left on the floor…

Me: Oh, I think I broke something.

Chrissy: You’re always breaking things, Mom. Mostly our spirits.

 

Chrissy: I’m going to shank my sister (with straw in hand).

Me: With a straw?

C: It’s either that or a fork.

Me: Straw’s good.

 

Upon being interrupted five million times…

Me: Can I just finish a sentence, please?

Carolyn: You just did.

 

Chrissy: I want to be dictator of the world.

Me: It’s good to have goals.

C: If I were president, how hard do you think it would be to take over the world?

Me: If you were president, I’d think you’d want to focus on making America the best it can be.

C: Well, sure …. But, seriously, how hard?

 

Chrissy: All my friends hate me!

Me: Can you blame them?

C: Not really.

 

Upon not like a decision Mom made…

Chrissy: I’m going to cut my arm off if you don’t change your mind.

Me: Oh, that’ll teach me!

C: It will when I beat you with it.

Upon surveying my new kitchen…

Me: I’m not sure where I’m going to be able to keep my spices.

Carolyn: Do you really need them, Mom?

 

Upon sitting outside and the breeze blowing…

Me: WHAT is that smell? Did the cats kill something? It smells like decomposing animal.

Chrissy: Are you sure that’s not just your soul?

 

Me: I’m doing my best to make your life miserable. That’s my job as your mom.

Chrissy: Mom, I know you didn’t have a mom for very long, but that’s really NOT what moms are for.

Me: I can’t be expected to know everything.

 

Chrissy (sitting next to the open sliding glass door): What’s the weather today?

Me: Look out the door.

C: Nah.

 

Carolyn: I’m glad you met & married Dad; otherwise, you wouldn’t have me, and you’d be sad every day.

Me: Indeed. I’d be weeping myself to sleep every night.

C: Of course, you’d be thankful every day not to have Chrissy.

Me: Good point. Things balance out.

 

Carolyn: Chrissy gets on my nerves.

Me: Chrissy gets on everyone’s nerves.

C: Can you sell her?

Me: I don’t think anyone would buy her!

C: Try e-Bay.

 

Upon me trying to hug Carolyn good-bye…

Me: You could at least pretend like you love me!

C: Well… I think you’re a nice person?

Upon telling Chrissy to polish the tables in the living room…

Chrissy: Didn’t I just do that last week?

Me: Well, some people do that EVERY week.

C: I don’t like those people.

 

Upon discussing childhood….

Carolyn: I didn’t like peanut butter as a kid because it stuck to the roof of my mouth and I didn’t have the tongue power to get it off.

 

Upon Carolyn preparing for her first babysitting job…

C: So I have “Scooby Doo,” “The Muppets,” “The Croods,” and the first “Boxcar Children” book.

Me: That’s a good idea! So you can read to them!

C: No, so I can hit them with it if they’re bad.

 

Texting Carolyn…

Me: Whatcha doin?

C: Selling my toenails to ppl online so I can buy a Gucci belt.

Me: I’m so glad I raised you right.

 

Upon waiting for geese to cross the road….

Carolyn: Why are geese so mean for no reason? <pause> Oh my gosh! If I were a bird, I’d be a goose!

Me: Chrissy would definitely be a peacock … but what would I be?

C: A duck. Because you’re weird looking but people still like you.

 

Upon seeing a meme I shared on IG….

Carolyn: You didn’t even make that meme!

Me: Part of being funny is stealing other people’s material and pretending it’s your own.

C: So whose face did you take?

 

Texting Chrissy….

Me: Why won’t your laptop work?

C: What did you do to it? Is it charged?

Me: Nothing! It’s plugged in and I opened it and the screen is black.

C: Turn it on.

Me: How?

C: The button is on the side.

Me: Ok. It’s fixed.

 

Upon me doing something dumb and then texting Carolyn about it…

Carolyn: Embarrassing.

Me: I’m not embarrassed. I’m used to doing dumb shit.

C: Good point.

 

Upon ordering Bob Evans for dinner and texting Carolyn…

Me: I ordered Bob. Will pick it up on my way home.

C: Mom please don’t bring any more male strippers home. I am trying to finish my French project.

 

Carolyn: I’m gonna call Chrissy and ask her how to make hamburgers.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting six feet away.

 

Me: Carolyn, do you want a brownie?

C: No, thanks, I’m not really hungry.

Me: What does that have to do with eating a brownie?

 

And last but certainly not least ….

Upon me asking Carolyn to complete a chore…

C: F*ck the patriarchy!

Me: Um, it’s matriarchy. I’m the matriarch.

C: Talk to me when you shave your mustache.