The big news in Jen-land is a new job: full time inpatient psych nurse in a high-acuity unit on night shift. NIGHT shift.  For the girl who prefers to get up at 4:30a and go to bed at 9p!

As you may have realized by now, I have very seldom been lucky in life.  I seem to have some sort of relationship with the concept of luck, but it most certainly hasn’t been a positive one … but becoming an inpatient psych nurse? I’ve hit the occupational lottery, my friends.

If you’ve ever read any self-help/psychology/personality books at all, you’re likely familiar with the concepts of introversion and extroversion: an introvert draws energy (“recharges”) from alone time and an extrovert draws energy from being with people. I’ve recently discovered that I’m a psychtrovert. Or a nursetrovert. Or, hell, a psychnursetrovert. I recharge from this work. It energizes me, breathes life into me.

The past couple of years have been the opposite, draining my soul: being betrayed on an intensely personal level and then walking away from a seven-year relationship that turned out to be deeply toxic, losing a job that I always referred to as my “dream job”, taking a job that I ultimately could not tolerate, sprinkling in some severe depression complete with an overdose … I felt like part of me had died—I didn’t know myself, anymore.  There was no spark, no light, no energy, no spirit, no joie de vive; I was a shell of my former self, and I didn’t like that person.

But then. Bit by bit. Things started changing.

I started back to therapy and after some conversations and some self-reflection, it turns out that the common denominator in my “one [date] and done” dating life was … wait for it … ME. Who knew?! (Besides, you know, EVERYONE.) So I decided it was time to make a change and to push myself outside of my current comfort zone and see what would happen if only I were willing to take a risk.

Ah, yes. That four letter word.

R. I. S.  K.

Not. A. Fan.

So I went on one date.  And then two.  And then three and four and five. And dare I call this a relationship?! I dunno, but in any case, it’s uncharted territory for me.

In the midst of pushing myself outside of my personal/relationship comfort zone, an inpatient psych position opened up in my hospital system. The catch? It was night shift and it was on a floor that had been experiencing significant turnover and having staffing “issues.” And maybe it was because I’d been opening myself up to taking risks or maybe it was because I’d been practicing daily yoga [dude—it makes a HUGE difference] or maybe it was because I loathed my then-current boss with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, but I decided to make that leap out of my comfort zone, out of my “known,” to try something different.

And now here I am, looking around, somewhat perplexed, somewhat befuddled, but eternally grateful: I’ve crawled out of the depths of despair to this pretty fucking awesome plateau (I’m sticking with plateau and not mountain. I need stability, not more adrenaline/adventure right now.). And THIS plateau is why I’m writing: to remind future me that this place really does exist. My journey recently has been through some pretty bleak and dismal valleys.  Foggy.  Couldn’t see anything but more uncertainty and darkness. Yet here I am.  There is sun and there are wide open spaces and there is blue sky.  Depression wipes the memory of the plateaus and peaks and precipices from your mind, but they do exist. I’m taking this moment in time to take a mental picture of this moment so I can come back to it when I enter the valleys again (and I’m certain I will. That’s just how the journey goes.).  I can’t just talk the talk as a psychnursetrovert.  I have to be willing to walk the walk. I’m inordinately grateful to have the opportunity to keep walking after my overdose.  Chalk up another win for GOOD luck.

A new relationship. A new job. A return to school for my NP (yay!). A summer with both of my loves at home under my roof (so grateful for daughters!).

You know, I’m not gonna feed you the bullshit line about how if only you’re willing to risk and to work that everything in life will work out beautifully.  Sometimes it does.  Sometimes we get some good luck thrown our way and it does. And sometimes it doesn’t, even when we feel like we’ve done everything within our power.  So I guess the trick is just to appreciate and to remember the times when it DOES go right and especially remember that if things have gone right in the past, they will go right again even if all you see is shitty fog at the moment.  The plateaus are there, but sometimes the journey is long and harrowing … BUT THE PLATEAUS ARE THERE.  They are.  This is my written snapshot to myself to sear this into my memory.

And now it’s time to shower and head out for another night shift.

I am one lucky psychnursetrovert.