Well, folks, it’s time for changes! When I originally started writing this blog, I thought it was going to be mostly light and funny and, well, about vodka. However, as the true psych nurse I am, I’ve managed to write an awful lot about feelings and coping skills and mental illness. It only seemed fitting, then, to make a change of name. Onwards and upwards!

New beginnings. How apropos. New normal for my dad, who now requires a lot more help as his heart gets weaker and weaker. New normal for me as my relationship with G ended …. Which really is leading to a LOT of new beginnings for me: time to get serious about yoga, to build better friendships, to delve into the novel that’s been brewing in the back of my noggin.

There’s no question that these past few months have been brutal: Dad/CCU, tonsillectomy, breakup, work stress (health care is a scary place to work right now). The silver linings have been a stronger relationship with my Pops and brother, weight loss, and thinking outside of the box in regards to future job possibilities—all very positive and exciting prospects.

Even more exciting, though, is a new insight I’ve stumbled upon about myself. Okay, it isn’t really exciting. In fact, it rather pisses me off … BUUUUUT the end of this relationship with G led to reflection of both that relationship and my marriage. They are/were very different relationships, and I’d thought that my relationship with G was leaps and bounds healthier than my marriage. In many ways, it was. But guess what? Thanks to a spectacular friend/therapist at work, I realized that both relationships had a major factor in common: Me desperately trying to prove myself.

When I married my ex, J, he was really more-or-less Eeyore and I was really more-or-less Tigger. I certainly still battled my depression back then, but overall, I’m generally a happy-go-lucky soul. One of my driving forces in that marriage was to make J happy. If I could make Eeyore happy, well, geez, what did that say about me?! That I’m amazing, of course! As any rational and semi-intelligent adult knows, however, we cannot “make” anyone be happy. We can’t “make” anyone be any way at all! It was an exercise in futility and frustration. In the end, we both managed to make one another miserable.

By the time I got through the divorce, I’d been working as a server, going to nursing school, and raising two little girls all on my own. I felt pretty damn good about what I was able to accomplish. For the first time in my life, I started to understand what self-confidence really means. I’d been through the wringer, and I’d come out on the other side. I really truly thought that I liked myself, was proud of myself, and was emotionally strong.

G, in many ways, is the opposite of J. He’s light. He’s happy. He’s funny. He’s easy. But all of a sudden I’m noticing something about me.  About my responses and my reactions to him.  I don’t remotely feel the need to be responsible for his emotions, but I definitely feel the need to prove myself worthy to him.  Maybe it’s because we’re so different in so many ways, but there is this nagging little voice in the back of my head that whispers, “You’re not good enough for him.”  I’ve shrugged it off and I’ve ignored it and I’ve drowned it out with distraction, but it keeps whispering to me.  That’s no good for any relationship.  I don’t have a chance of making ANY relationship work, romantic or otherwise, while this self-doubt continues to eat away at my soul.

It’s humbling, really, to take a step back and witness how far I HAVEN’T come.

My goal was to make J feel happy.

My goal was to make G find me worthy.

My goal now is to find out where the heck the disconnect between my head and my heart lies. I’ll be back for another rousing round of therapy, for sure. The scars from my marriage certainly set me up to repeat a similar, albeit sneakier, pattern in my next serious relationship. (And I’m certain the choices I made in my marriage were made because of the loss of my mom at age thirteen.)

Isn’t it amazing that the older we get, the more of the same patterns we see? I feel like I tackle one of my faults and in some ways, sure, I do …. But they seem to find a way to sneak in through the back door with a slightly different appearance. This is somewhere between maddening and inspiring. I AM making progress. I don’t make the same EXACT mistake twice. I switch it up just enough to keep me ignorant until the pain comes. And the pain always comes with these flaws.

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” (C.S. Lewis)

Well, He has my attention. Perhaps I’ve been getting too lazy, too complacent with self-improvement. I’ve been too busy treading water and staying comfortable to stretch and to grow and to learn. Well, I’ve received the message now. It’s time to address this apparent lack of self-esteem/confidence. I mean WHAT THE HECK, PEOPLE?! How did I not see this earlier?

And so, in these new beginnings, I’m going to just accept what this blog has evolved into: my inner monologue of psychobabble, humor, musings, contemplations, and I sure as heck hope for a couple of insights every now and again. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. 😉