I love Dr Seuss. I love his ability to make things, life, seem so simple. It’s an ability that I sorely lack. However, making the answers complicated? Now that is something I can excel at!

Since at least middle school I’ve dealt with depression on and off. Back when I was sixteen, I overdosed on a bottle of Tylenol and a fifth of peach schnapps (still can’t drink it to this day!). Luckily, the combination caused me to become violently ill and I ended up in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. It’s even more awful than you imagine. Naturally, I ended up with a therapist.

I tell you this because while, in many, many ways, therapy has been an absolute God-send in my life, there are some aspects of it that have exacerbated some of my worst traits: overthinking, primarily. Because my depression has always had a tendency to sneak up on me (I know that sounds so strange), I had to work to become vigilant to notice as soon as I would start down that slippery slope. For instance, after being aware of my patterns/behaviors along with my emotional state, I’ve realized that an early indicator to me that I’m going downward is when I stop wearing my seatbelt. It’s a small, seemingly insignificant action that, over the years, I’ve realized is a harbinger of my mental health. Being observant in that area paid off. It helps me to become aware and pay more attention to my thought patterns when I notice that action.

HOWEVER, and if you’re an overthinker like I am you already know this, there is a significant down-side to overthinking. Couple that with my distrust of my “gut” when making decisions and you can have a really delightful combination of faults.

I overthink EVERYTHING. And the frustrating part is that, when talking about my depression, it’s actually really important for me to be vigilant, observant, and analytical …. But in many other areas of my life? It’s maddening.

I want everything to make sense. I want to put everything in neat little boxes so life is practical and predictable and organized. I want to understand people’s motivations because if I can understand those, I can wrangle their decisions/actions in my mind and come to terms with them–actually not bad traits for a psych nurse, but for day to day life? For my own life? It’s a recipe for frustration, anxiety, self-doubt, and despair, which is, you know, exactly the opposite of what I’m seeking.

 

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

 

But how do I do that? How do humans do that? I know some are capable! I have friends who appear great at this! What’s the secret? How do I stay vigilant about my depression while allowing more freedom in the “answers” in the rest of my life?

I think, in large part, that solution is going to be acceptance. The ol’ “it is what it is” adage. Radical acceptance, really. But, wait, overthinking Jen wonders, what happens if, while just “accepting” things, I miss something?! What if I SHOULD be analyzing motives and questioning and putting things in boxes? WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING??????

Yes, that is literally the thought process that just flashed through my brain. What am I so afraid of missing? Why the insistence on control? (By the way, thanks for coming along on this free-wheeling free-writing journey that I’m taking!)

I’ve made some bad decisions in the past. I’ve tended to let people annihilate my boundaries. I’ve, frequently, chosen to bite my tongue for the sake of peace when my soul has NEEDED me to shout. I’ve trusted people I shouldn’t have trusted and accepted behavior I shouldn’t have accepted. That makes all of those answers feel so damned complicated to me.

How do I protect myself, my soul, and trust others?

My mom died/left me. My sister died/left me. My brother put me in an impossible situation. My family abandoned me. My marriage ended. HOW DO I TRUST OTHERS? How can I possibly NOT overthink things? What if I get hurt again?

 

…..

 

Big sigh. I’m gonna get hurt again. Whether I overthink or not. Whether I trust or not. Whether I accept or not. That’s the human condition, right? Geez, man, look at Jesus! He did ALL the right things and was betrayed, abandoned, crucified. Can I expect any different? Can any of us?

Maybe the simple answer, even more than acceptance, is love. I suppose that will manifest differently in each situation. Sometimes it will be love for myself, my own soul (keeping boundaries). Sometimes it will be love in the form of trusting when trusting seems so scary. Sometimes it will be in the form of biting my tongue and sometimes in speaking my truth. Sometimes that love will almost paralyze me as I watch my daughters grow up and away from me into their own adult selves. Sometimes it will require that I get off the train of overthinking and practice radical acceptance even when my brain is compelling me to proceed at 1000 miles/hour. Maybe sometimes that simple answer is going to be turning my brain off and tuning into my heart. That’s scary as hell for me. I guard that heart fiercely, anymore. There’s a lot of previous damage in there. Even so, maybe the simple answer is that every action I take, every decision I make, I begin from a place of love and not of fear or suspicion or what-if. That’s no small undertaking for this calloused old broad.

But, if Santa can do it, then so can the Grinch Jen.