“Many people wonder how psychological abuse and emotional abuse differ. Are they perhaps the same thing? For me, they are two distinctly different forms of abuse. I believe that people can be emotionally abusive but still have empathy for others. Example? Loved ones who are struggling with addiction will harm others while living out their cravings … Once the addition is fully addressed in recovery, most of these individuals are able to make authentic amends …
“On the other side of the coin, psychological abusers damage others–not out of impaired judgement–but because they enjoy the control they gain from abusing people.”

— Shannon Thomas, Healing From Hidden Abuse

This realization just might make healing possible.

It has been a very long time since the relationship with the narcissist ended (again, just to remind everyone, he was legitimately diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder by a psychologist; this isn’t simply a bitter moniker I’ve adopted for him), but lately the pain has been rearing its ugly and vicious head again, and I have been struggling to figure out why.  I think I may have finally stumbled upon the answer, but first, let’s go back a little bit ….

About a month ago, we were informed that our inpatient psych unit was closing.  We would all still have jobs, we were assured—it’s just that no one knew exactly what that was going to look like.  If you’ll recall, I have, more than once, stated that I had THE BEST JOB EVER!  I believe that which is why this blow has been so devastating.  If you saw me at work, you might not realize exactly how much pain this has caused me (Jen at work: “We can do this!” “It’ll be different but still good!” “This is an opportunity to help our patients in out-of-the-box ways!”).  Rest assured, the tears come frequently in the confines of this condo.  As a single parent, it’s hard to overstate the fear that comes with the thought of losing income and so mixed in with all of that grief is abject terror.

And then, today I lost my phone.  Completely gone.  I have no idea where it could have possible gone and even “Find my iPhone” can’t help because the phone is off-line.  This detail is important because it means that all evening it has been QUIET around here.  Dear Daughter #1 is off at college and Dear Daughter #2 had a football game; that means Jenny has had nothing but the constant hum of her own thoughts filling her head with absolutely no reprieve. And enter the thoughts of the ex. The thoughts and all of the intense, crappy feelings.

WHY?  WHY AM I STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS SHIT?!

<Little reminder: Mom died.  Sister died.  Brother died.  I have a teeny tiny (HUGE) issue with abandonment.>

So all of a sudden it hits me why this past loss is creeping up on me:  because of my current loss.  I LOVED my job.  Loved it.  Didn’t always like it and sometimes it was hard as hell, but I LOVED being a psych nurse and taking care of our patients.  And while I still officially have a job, it will not be what it was.  It will not be time on the unit with nurses and social workers and therapists and psychiatrists—all people whom I’ve grown to love and respect and cherish.  This is an astounding loss, no matter what Mary-Poppins-spin you try to put on it.

So to revisit the quote from the beginning, I got out my Kindle tonight and was searching for something, anything, to help me make sense of this tremendous pain that I’m feeling tonight.  That quote hit me right between the eyes because—even now, after so much time and so much learning—I’ve still always made excuses for his behavior.  I may SAY all the right things about the relationship and know the facts in my brain, but the real hard truth hasn’t lodged in my heart, yet.  There has continued to be that faint, pathetic whisper of “what if?” The reality is that there is no “what if,” only what is and what was.  His treatment of me was/is reality—my pinings of “what ifs” are misguided coping attempts to make that relationship into something that it never actually was.

And then came the second a-ha:  the reason THAT pain is resurfacing is because of this fresh new abandonment that I’m entrenched in.  This new experience of loss and pain has triggered those old feelings of loss and pain that I haven’t quite healed from, yet—at least completely healed from.

The sad reality is that the more pain you’ve endured, the more pain that is dredged up when new wounds occur.  And sure they may get less intense over time, but they still come back.  They still come back and then it all feels so suffocating and overwhelming and, at times, then pointless to keep moving forward.  It’s not a pretty thought, but it is my reality.  It’s the same damn demon I’ve faced since middle school.  I’m mostly better at rebuking the bullshit thoughts but sometimes it’s fucking hard as hell.

Time for deep breaths and kitten snuggles and sleep.  And then I’ll wake up tomorrow and keep moving forward, through the pain, through the loss.  I’ll keep moving forward because there is no other option but to do so.  While the present moment sucks, there will be moments in the future that will not—moments in the future that will, in fact, be healing balm for the wounds.  As painful as it all is, the scar tissue that remains will make me tougher.