I had grand plans for writing more this summer, considering I took the summer off from school to hang with my “about-to-go-to-college” kid; however, you know what they say about the best laid plans.  (I don’t actually know what they say about the best-laid plans, but I’m pretty sure there IS a saying.)

First, you know those moments in life where you just totally and completely drop the ball?  And you see the ball coming, and you know what you need to do to catch it, but instead you’re picking dandelions in the outfield?  Yeah.  That’s where I’m at with school.  I was supposed to start back in the fall but due to my utter lack of motivation and general feeling of incompetence, I let the deadline for applying for my field experience pass by.  That means that—assuming I finally get my shit together—I’ll start back to school in November and graduate the following November.  It’s making fairly large assumption, though, to assume I can get my shit together.

The Cliff’s Notes version of my summer (ha, ha!  Millennials have no idea what I’m talking about!):

• Family vacation in the OBX. Beautiful house, perfect weather, and lots and lots of booze and laughter.  Best time I’ve had with my family in probably ten plus years.
• Chrissy got her first job! Working at a concession stand in the local minor league baseball stadium. She’s thoroughly unimpressed with working for a living.
• Carolyn finished driver’s ed and is about to take her test! Lord help me and my bank account as I’m about to add another teenaged driver to the household.
• My ex-husband moved into my condo complex—approximately fifty yards from me. I’m lucky that we get along great and it’ll be awesome for the girls; it’s still completely absurd and hilarious.

So I’m now exactly nine days from Chrissy leaving for college and a couple of weeks from Carolyn beginning her junior year and inevitably spending more time at her dad’s now that he’s a three-minute walk away.  And so far I’ve held it together.  Until tonight.  Luckily Chrissy is at work and Carolyn is at band camp so I can listen to Mazzy Star, drink vodka, and type through a tear or two.

I’ve learned something from this summer:  Love is always the answer.

I started to go through the typical self-loathing post-school screw up.  But then I stopped and decided to keep moving forward.  That was love.

And I went on vacation with my family—a family that I’ve gone through some serious and ugly shit with—and I was afraid.  But then I stopped and decided to keep moving forward.  That was forgiveness and love.

And my ex just moved fifty yards away from me, into a way better and bigger condo than I could ever afford.  And the green-eyed monster has been lurking in the dark corners, beckoning me, both for the materialistic bullshit but also for the realization that my girls will be home less often and at their dad’s more.  But then I thought about how FANTASTIC this will be for my girls, and we will all move forward.  That is (attempted maturity) and love.

And I’ve spent a lot of time with my two girls, and the harsh reality of time slapped me across the face as the school year continues to creep ever closer.  And I WANT to collapse into a heap onto my couch and ignore reality.  But, damnit, I’m going to keep moving forward.  That is the most painful kind of love—watching your kids go off and become adults.  It’s HARD. AS. FUCK.  I know that we hope to raise our kids to be strong, independent, confident adults.  I KNOW that.  Knowing and accepting are two different things.  And even though part of my heart is crumbling, other parts that I didn’t even know existed are opening up. I think of all the one-on-one time I’ll have with Carolyn—time alone that we’ve never had.  Time that will build our relationship and allow us to get to know one another in a different context.  Chrissy will move forward at The University of Akron and Carolyn and I will move forward in this crappy condo, together.  And our love will be transformed and sometimes painful and occasionally overwhelming but always, always unconditional.

I’ve known since college that my “calling,” if we can use that term, has always been to love and to love more and to love always.  I don’t always (often?) get that right.  I can get swept up in the minutia and lose my focus.  This summer has reminded me of why I’m here.  Right now my love is laser-focused on two freaking amazing teenagers.  I will not allow this time to be lost to trivial bullshit or fear of the future.  While I’m not particularly looking forward to college move-in day or all the time that I’m sure Carolyn will be over at her dad’s (as she should; she hasn’t been able to see him daily in ten years), I’ll keep moving forward.

This summer has reminded me to love.