It’s Valentine’s Day.  What better day to write a love letter?

Dear Life,

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve told you how I feel about you.  Honestly, you usually only hear from me when I’m sad or mad or confused or some other equally uncomfortable emotion.  Maybe it’s time for a change.

You haven’t always been easy on me, you know?  You’ve really tested me over the years with deaths and endings and pain and trauma and betrayal.  But you’ve also given me freshly cut grass.  And orange sunsets.  And red birds.  And Lawson’s chip dip.  And sassy daughters.  And a difficult but amazing job.

Love—real love—isn’t about fluff or cotton candy or prettiness or perfection.  Love can be hard and messy and challenging and MADDENING.  But always accepting.  Always, always accepting.  Not in that “Oh, whatever you do is fine with me” but in the “I love you for exactly who you are and where you are at even when I disagree with you” kind of way.

Loving my life doesn’t always happen for me.  Maybe it doesn’t OFTEN happen for me—but right now I love my life.  Last year at this time, I was dealing with a crippling depression.  I was hovering around the edges of a toxic relationship.  I was trudging through school.  I was barely keeping my head above water.  And now, today, I’ve left that toxic relationship behind.  I’m still slogging through school but getting SO MUCH CLOSER to the end.  I still have sassy daughters—but am acutely aware that my time with them is limited.  My perspective has shifted.

School is hard.  Work is challenging.  Parenting strong women is difficult.  Monitoring depression/mental illness is burdensome.

But.

 But this is it:  this is my life!  The good, the bad, the ugly, the difficult, the challenging, the overwhelming, the intimidating.  Today I am thankful for effective antidepressants and a good psychiatrist.  I am thankful for (mostly!) good girls.  I am thankful for a job that I love and the brain to get through school.  I am thankful for my crappy condo.  I am thankful for amazing friends who, even when I’m CERTAIN they think I’m a lunatic/idiot/goof, love me through it all.  I am thankful for the past trauma because it’s given me compassion.  I am thankful for a good ex-husband.  I am thankful for hilarious siblings.  I am thankful for a flawed but AMAZING father.  I am thankful for my stubbornness because—without it—I wouldn’t be standing here today.

Some people don’t like Valentine’s Day.  Some people equate it with romantic relationships, but I hold this day close to my heart.  I love being reminded of the love in my life.  Right now, that’s not romantic love.  Right now, that’s love for family, for friends, for coworkers, for neighbors (okay, not the obnoxious loud one), for humanity.  I’m not terribly religious anymore, but for my entire life, the lesson of love has been driven home to me. Parenting is about love. Family is about love. My job is about love. Friendships are about love.  LIFE IS ABOUT LOVE.

Valentine’s Day, for me, is a reminder of the good things in life.  It reminds me to be grateful.  It reminds me that, in many ways, my life is a choice.  I didn’t choose my mom’s death, my sister’s death, my brother’s death, my depression, my trauma.  And sometimes those things threaten to smother me.  But I do choose to get out of bed each morning.  Some days I’m productive.  Some days I’m not.  Some days I’m kind.  Some days I’m not.  Some days I’m happy.  Some days I’m not.  Some days I’m successful.  Some days I’m not.  But every day, I’m surrounded by love.  Some days, I’m aware of it.  Some days I’m not.  But that doesn’t change the reality of the love.

Mother Teresa said, “I have found the paradox, that if I love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only love.” I’ve had the hurt.  I’m embracing the love.  I don’t always do that perfectly.  Actually, I never do that perfectly.  But I continue to try.  I’d rather fail in loving than be successful in judging.  Judging is not my job.  The world doesn’t need more judging.  It needs more loving.  And what day better than Valentine’s Day (and the first day of Lent) than to recommit to loving—and to being loved—than today, now?

Life, you’ve thrown me curveballs.  You’ve challenged me to the core of my being.  You’ve ripped the rug out from underneath my feet at the most inopportune times.  But you’ve also always given me access to love, whether that be by me choosing to love others or others graciously choosing to love me.

I have a lot to learn. I have much growth yet to endure.  But today, I choose love.  Even when logic screams, “ARE YOU CRAZY?! JUDGE! DON’T LOVE!” I will choose love.  Love isn’t wimpy or pathetic or weak or passive.  Love is the choice to keep going in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.  Love is the choice to forgive and to not seek revenge.  Love is the choice to extend a hand rather than a fist.  Love is the choice to build bridges and not walls.  Love is the choice to be one with humanity as opposed to elevating above it.  Love is not easy.  Love is deliberate.  Love is accepting without worrying about teaching “lessons”.  Love is giving to other human beings that which we most desperately want for ourselves without worrying about being taken for a fool.  Love is risking pain.  Love is scary.  But it’s also the only thing that will ever heal us or the world we live in.

I may not always like you, Life, but I do promise to love you.  I promise to love my fellow human beings.  I promise that love will be my guiding force, over justice or revenge or politics or religion or ego.  Thank you for everything you’ve given me. Everything.  The good gives me strength and the bad gives me compassion.  And I promise to do better.  I promise to be less snarky and more understanding.  I promise to listen more and to talk less.  I promise to love until it hurts and then love even more.  There is no other way to live.

All my love,

Jenny Lou