First of all, you really should NEVER blog after several glasses of wine.  It’s just not an intelligent thing to do.  Naturally, I’m blogging after several glasses of wine. 🙂

Today is Thanksgiving.  Facebook is filled with the perfunctory “I’m so thankful for ______” statuses.  As a nurse, I sometimes work the holidays.  Today was one of those days.  My girls went to stay with their dad (“Yay, Mom, we’ll get to eat good food!”), I somehow garnered no invites to dinner from family members—thanks a lot, guys!—and I walked into a quiet house after work.

I’ve been divorced for eight years.  If I’d have had a Thanksgiving like this in those first years, I would have probably done a lot of crying.  Today—even after being dumped via text message (what a guy!) just a few nights ago—there were no tears.  There was a bottle of red wine and a box of Velveeta shells n cheese and Despicable Me 2 on the television.

It made me reflect on the complexity of life.  I had offers from some friends to stop by their families’ homes, but I was honestly looking forward to the solitude of my crappy little condo.  The divorce stretched me, made me step WAY outside of my comfort zone to become comfortable in silence—my OWN silence.  I’ve never been one to feel awkward in silence with other people …. But with just me, it was a different story.  It took time, to be sure, but now I don’t mind spending time with just me.  I sometimes wonder if I don’t like it TOO much because I really haven’t pushed myself in the social circles in years and my girls have been pushing me to develop new interests, new friends.  And they’re right:  I should do that.  But right now, with two teen girls and full-time work and full-time grad school, I don’t have the desire or time or energy.  That’s okay with me.  In fact, it’s more than okay with me.  I’m comfortable in my own skin!  That’s a pretty amazing thing for a girl who used to really, REALLY hate herself.

The other day, I was overwhelmed.  I have no money for bills, for Christmas; my car needs work; my garbage disposal is harboring some secret metal something; the house was a mess, and I’d seen an older photo which really made me lament my old life of enough money, curtains on windows, matching living room furniture, and pictures actually hung on walls.  I wondered if I’d made a huge mistake with the divorce.  Wouldn’t my life be SO MUCH EASIER if I were still married???

Some things would be.  Without question, some things would be.  But my ex and I weren’t a good match.  There was animosity.  There were fights.  There was …. Stuff.  There was NEVER peace for me by the end of it.  Never ever.  Always walking on eggshells and fearful of what the day would bring.  And while my days bring material stress (oh, boy, do they bring material stress), there’s peace in my soul.  Sometimes it may not feel like it, but that peace is priceless.  It’s worth a crappy, messy condo.  In that photo above, a dear friend pointed out, “Your smile in this is pained; whereas photos of you now, I see a woman who is not scared.”  She’s right.

And so, on a day like today, a holiday where many people are surrounded by loved ones eating awesome meals, I’m perfectly content with my red wine, mac & cheese, and cable.  No, it’s not the life I envisioned for myself, but this is ALL MINE.  I did this:  the good AND the bad.  It’s not a big condo; it’s not decorated; it’s usually messy … but I bought it by myself.  I know that might not be a big deal to a lot of forty-five year old women, but it’s a big deal to me.  It’s a LONG way from where I’ve come.  I was a scared, lonely, fearful, shame-filled little girl.  But not anymore.

It may not be a typical Thanksgiving, but it’s all mine.