Dear Santa,

I’m either a day late or a year too early, but I’ve got some things on my mind right now.

Christmas changes once you become an adult.  Somehow, some of the magic seems to slip away for a few years until you have kids of your own to remind you of the wonderment that is Christmas morning.  After divorce, that wonderment is parceled out in every-other-year increments.  I try to hang onto it in the off years but that seems to be a tall order.

Today, I went to see the new Star Wars movie.  And then I did homework.  And then I went to my brother-in-law’s house (the husband of my deceased sister).  My niece and nephews and my dad were there.  But not my sister.  And not my mom.  And not my kids.  And no husband, no significant other to speak of.

And, Santa, it’s not like I NEED a partner in my life.  I’m busy.  I’ve got work.  I’ve got school.  I’ve got two teens girls whose impending departures for college hang over me like a noose in the gallows.  It’s there.  I see it.  Before I know it, the floor will drop out and I’ll have an empty (albeit clean) house.

But my mom?  My sister?  My brother?  And then my divorce?  And the crushing pain of betrayal from my six year relationship (God help me, but I was madly in love with that man).  Can’t you bring me them?  Just one of them?  All nice and shiny and new and without baggage?

Let’s be honest:  I’m a tough cookie.  You know it; I know it.  I roll with the punches.  I handle my shit.  I generally don’t complain and actually do play the “glad game” from Pollyanna.  There’s always a bright side.  There’s always a silver lining.  There’s always “All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I love the hope that’s inherent in Christmas.  I really do.  Every year, I get jazzed about it.  And when my girls are here, I can get lost in it (even with them as teens!).  But on those off years?  Well, geez, it’s painful.  And seeing my family without such significant members (members who would’ve loved, loved, loved all the family gatherings!) … Well, Santa, it just kinda blows.

I know we always hear people asking for peace on earth.  I’m just asking for peace in my heart.  Let me start with that.  Just peace in my heart.  Acceptance of my losses.  Gratitude for the good that I’ve been given.  Letting go of the resentment, the grief, the pain, the loss, the longing, the betrayal, the loneliness, the hurt, the anger, the HUMANITY.  Help me tap into the great hope that is our SOULS.  Help me remember that even in loss, I’ve been given much.  Help me to appreciate the people who remain and to work harder at developing bonds with those who love me now, today, here.

Santa, moms don’t get much at Christmas time.  An ornament, a hand-drawn card.  To be honest, we don’t need much.  But some peace and hope to sustain me throughout the next year would be lovely.  I know I’ve had my naughty moments, but, at the end of the day, I sure do love my fellow humans.  Help me to keep doing that.

As a sign of my good faith, I didn’t bake you any Christmas cookies (you know about my prowess in the kitchen).  I’ll just leave a Starbucks card on the counter.

Thanks, Santa.  I believe in you.

Love,

Jenny Lou