I was shy as a kid. Really shy. Never really dated in high school because the idea of being alone with a boy was generally overwhelming for me. I had a boyfriend for awhile, for sure, but we did things like sit together on the band bus and go to dances. Actual dates, not-so-much. Somewhere along the way (well after college), I shed that skin (if you couldn’t tell!). I’m not sure how or why, but now my girls tease me for all of the conversations I start with strangers at the grocery store or pool or doctor’s office. I’ve never met a stranger!

Like I said, though, back then I was shy. That’s an important fact for the next story….

This past therapy appointment I talked to my therapist about how I’m assertive at work but not assertive in my relationships—particularly relationships with the opposite sex. Romantic relationships. If there’s a threat of conflict, I’ll default to that shy girl: shutdown mode. It’s a real problem. As we talked, we explored different examples of this behavior throughout my life. One incident jumped to the forefront of my mind.

When I was at Kent State (one year out of my college career—my sophomore year), I was date raped. The shy part is key here because that naïveté allowed me to put myself into a position that I was not equipped for. I was, essentially, clueless about boy/girl things. It was my first sexual experience (I’d told him repeatedly that I was waiting to have sex until I was married), and it was also the only time in my life where I experienced that dissociative “floating above my body” feeling that you learn about in psychology. He didn’t physically hold me down. No. I woke up with it happening. And while I don’t blame myself for it, I do wonder about that response. Why didn’t I push him off of me? Why didn’t I yell? Why didn’t I curse? Why did I immediately dissociate from the situation?

Again, I’m not judging my response. I handled it the way I was capable of handling it at the time (I think I couldn’t imagine a person doing that to another person; it was out of my scope of understanding). BUT I think it’s important for me to look at that tendency. Afterwards, I STAYED AT HIS APARTMENT for a couple of hours. How in the world could I do such a thing?! Why wouldn’t I immediately retreat, run away, get the hell out of there?

These are the things a psych nurse thinks about as she goes through her own therapy.

My therapist and I discussed that event for the whole hour. My lack of response. My decision to actually stay there afterward. Emotions are amazing and intense and wonderful and terrible and complex. Very complex and complicated. We both figured that I stayed because the reality of what had just happened overwhelmed me. I couldn’t process it. Instead of processing what had just happened, I tried to turn the situation into something it wasn’t (NEWSFLASH: I STILL DO THAT!!!).

So as we talked, we discovered that the reason (we suspect) that I shut down in certain situations is because I am trying to avoid possible conflict/rejections/negative emotions. What’s completely crazy is, like I told my therapist, I have been through some pretty horrible shit in my lifetime. The deaths, the shooting, the husband in jail, the testifying before the grand jury, the divorce …. I have freaking dealt with incredible amounts of pain and made it through EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So why in the world I would try to “protect” myself from negative emotions is 100% not logical since all it does is postpone the inevitable.

What sucks is that there is no quick fix for this one. This won’t be solved with a few affirmations or positive self-talk. This is going to require real, dedicated commitment to holding my feet to the fire in those moments. I guess there aren’t ANY “quick fixes” when it comes to negative coping skills or character flaws. That’s part of the reason that the mentally ill receive great respect from me. The patients that are willing to put in the work are the most courageous, hardest working people I’ve ever known. This kind of recovery isn’t for the faint of heart or character. It’s tough stuff.

I suppose that the recognition and owning of the behavior is where I start. I’m now aware of the pattern, aware of my tendency and so I’ll start by heightening my awareness when I’m in those uncomfortable situations. I’m not saying I’ll do the right thing, but I’ve gotta start somewhere, for crying out loud!

I’m about to start school for my Master’s in Nursing (to become a Psych NP). I’m recognizing crappy patterns of behavior. I’m about to start exercising any day now. Look at me adult!!!! Thanks for joining me on the ride.