My condo pool is closed.

MY CONDO POOL IS CLOSED!!!

Now, I realize that in the grand scheme of life, this is probably not a big deal. Probably. But I pay $230/month in HOA fees, and that flipping pool is, by far, the biggest perk to living here.

I had two glorious days poolside. Two sweaty, loud, chlorine-laden days spent lazing in lounge chairs, listening to the throngs of kids in the pool while adeptly avoiding any actual contact with the water. It really was living the dream, frankly.

As I sat poolside, I noticed my fellow neighbors: There were some families with kids, to be sure, but I also witnessed quite a few middle-aged folk with beer in hand.  I watched as they, too, avoided the pool while imbibing Lite Beer in koozies, and I realized: I have found my people!  I didn’t actually speak with any of them (let’s not get crazy and social here, people), but I’m sure we are kindred spirits. In fact, I am seriously considering making eye contact at some point in the near future. (Don’t hold me to that.)

So this is our first summer here in our new neighborhood. It’s been a nice reminder of the excitement we felt when we first moved in to our HOME. Not just a rental, our actual home. It’s even inspired me to finally hang some stuff on walls and clean toilets!

It’s been a rough few months for me, to be sure. The warmer weather and blooming flowers have been a great reminder to me to start anew. Not just in one area. That would be way too practical. Instead, I’m trying to overhaul several areas of my life: my eating habits, my cleaning (or lack thereof) habits, my exercise habits, and my internal monologue & coping skills.

Sounds like a recipe for success, amiright?!

In all fairness, the weight-loss post-tonsillectomy has been most welcome and all I’m really trying to do is maintain it. The clean house business should be relatively easy since I plan to pawn most of that off on my daughters since they will be home all summer and 45 minutes of cleaning a day helps to develop their character. Exercise is fairly easy because it’s FREAKING GORGEOUS outside and that’s really where I want to be when I’m not at work.

And that internal monologue ….

I’ve been back to therapy for a few visits, now, and just saw my psychiatrist the other day. While it’s really not fair that I have both the world’s greatest therapist AND the world’s greatest psychiatrist, if you’ve met me, then you know that I really do need the best of both. 🙂

They both reminded me that (1) I’m not a moron, and (2) I’ve been through harder stuff, and (3) I don’t need to solve anything today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. I can simply let things unfold. I generally want to have answers to everything, right now, right here. In reality, life does not work that way. Life is not black and white (although I so often want it to be!). Life is shades of gray and lots of in betweens. And while my feelings and want and desires are complicated and complex and often contradictory, that is OKAY.

Feelings are complicated beasties. I often rely on them to guide my decisions and yet, so often, they can lead me in completely different directions. I’m realizing that’s important for me to acknowledge my feelings but also to look to the evidence to support or refute my feelings. Sometimes events happen that trigger my feelings of abandonment. When that happens, I usually WAY overreact to the triggering event. I’m learning to look to the facts surrounding the event to help gauge if my feelings are accurate or if they are off-base. I’m also trying, very hard, to step back from my emotions and view them as an observer rather than becoming swept along in them. Mindfulness helps. Yoga helps. Nature helps. Silence helps.

So I’m excited for this summer! I just might make some new friends! I just might get a tan (if the flipping pool ever reopens)! I just might have a clean house! I just might find out I have muscles somewhere! And, most importantly, I just might start to become more comfortable with being uncomfortable. With being confused. With being unsure. And whether or not I’m skinny or tan or popular … feeling at peace in the midst of chaos is worth so much more.