Spring has sprung! I realize that making this statement mid-April in Ohio is most likely reckless and inviting a spring snowstorm, but I’m feeling bold today. I’m watching the golfers from my front window zipping around the greens and excitement is percolating in my soul.

This is our first summer in the condo complex. On the bright side, that means that we have access to the *beautiful* community pool! On the downside, that means I’ll probably have to speak to other people while lying by said pool. Am I the only extrovert who dreads such small talk? The gal that’s “never met a stranger” and strikes up conversations in the grocery line dreads making friends with neighbors. I’m such a weirdo.

So, anyway, SPRING!!!!! Back when I was younger and hipper, I used to say that Fall was my favorite season: the leaves changing, the weather cooling, the band marching (because of the football playing). Somewhere along the way, I realized that there is more excitement in my belly when I gaze outside and witness crocuses and daffodils and tulips. Seeing buds on trees instills hope. Witnessing the “greening” of my world sparks something in my soul.

This particular spring is a renewal of my life. The past three months have been full of trials, but I can feel the stress melting away as the temperatures rise. Recently, I promised myself that I would “change my seat” (in psych-speak, change my perspective about current situations). Sitting here, looking out my window at a budding and blossoming golf course, I feel the shift happening, and I’m consciously and deliberating walking toward that path.

My dad’s health may never be the same. His independence and self-sufficiency have been compromised. This has placed more responsibility on the shoulders of my local siblings and me. While it’s hard to watch my dad struggle, the opportunities I’ve now had to hang out with just him, one-on-one, is a gift. It’s not something that would’ve happened naturally in my relationship with my dad, and I’m grateful for it.

My surgery sidelined me for the last four weeks. I think I’m getting pretty close to being back to normal. Well, normal for me! The lack of nutrition has taken a toll on my physical and mental health. The ten pound weight loss has been GREAT, though, and feeling healthier just in time for the warming weather has lit a fire in me to incorporate more movement into my life. I have a great neighborhood to walk in (as long as I don’t run into neighbors! 😉 ) and taking walks with my girls is fabulous. Such great talks and walks!

And while I’ve had some struggles in personal relationships (familial and otherwise), I’ve also had the opportunity to learn new things about myself. As much as it pains me to admit it, I STILL have leftover wounds from my mom’s death when I was just thirteen. Over the years, I’ve liked to think that I healed from that death, but the reality is that losing her at such a vulnerable age created unhealthy coping patterns that still exist today. While I have moved through the stages of grief and healed in many ways, some old habits have remained. Those habits, stemming from an INCREDIBLY STRONG fear of abandonment, have led me to behave, at times, in ways that are exactly contrary to my needs/wants. The closer I get to people, the more the fear creeps in that I may lose this person, and I can actually create scenarios in which I push the person away. This spring is bringing a change to that. Therapy appointment for Thursday. There is ALWAYS more work to be done on self.

And so I’ve changed my seat. I’m not lamenting and dwelling and ruminating. I’m taking my cue from the spring flowers: they push through the dirt, trusting that the sun will be there. If a tulip can make a fresh start year after year, then why not me? Today is day one, a fresh start. If you need me, I’ll be moving through the dirt towards the sun. See you there!