I’ve been up since 4:30am this morning, not basting a turkey or making pies, but waiting for the much anticipated call from work telling me that my prayers to the patron saint of floor census had been answered: I was granted off for today. (Woohoo, vacation starts now!)

Since then, since the girls are with their dad for this holiday, I’ve been sitting in solitude, doing some laundry, painting my nails, listening to silence. Across the street, the golf course is barren and silent, littered with dead leaves skidding across the still mostly green grass. I can hear the wind through the windows. In spite of the sunshine, I feel melancholy. I feel like that empty golf course: amazing potential for life and activity and beauty but dormant for the moment.

This isn’t a new feeling for me on the holidays. Since the divorce, holidays aren’t what they used to be. Generally, if the girls are with their dad on a holiday, that means I’m working and am occupied and busy. Generally, I don’t notice the stillness that sometimes feels like loneliness.

Wait. Wait a freaking minute. Are you kidding me, Jen?! A sad post on THANKSGIVING? WTF, woman?!

Bear with me.

Yes, holidays bring some reflection and melancholy to me. I miss my mom. I miss my sister (MAN, do I miss my sister!). I miss my brother. I miss my mom’s goofiness, sense of humor, and love. I miss my sister’s wisdom. Drive-me-out-of-my-skull-because-she-was-always-right wisdom. I miss my brother’s loud mouth and abrasiveness. I miss my little intact family I had pre-divorce, when things were still mostly good and there was always noise and a little chaos.

BUUUUUT …. There is a flip side. (Hint: There’s ALWAYS a flip side.)

While I miss my mom, I have the love of life that she shared with me.

While I miss my sister, I have the perspective that she gave me.

While I miss my brother, I have the appreciation of healthy boundaries that he taught me.

While I miss my girls, I have gratitude when they’re with me. Even WITH the teenage angst!

The losses have made me more thankful. The losses have carved gratitude into my soul.

I am grateful for the two sassy, intelligent, hilarious girls that live with me and remind me of how horrendous the teen years really were.

I am grateful for my brothers and sisters and dad. It’s not perfect, but they’re mine and I’m theirs.

I am grateful for a man who puts up with my emotional bullshit and pushing him away when I get scared.

I am grateful for a new home, even with broken dishwasher, clogged dryer vent, and cantankerous garage door.

I am grateful for SO MANY amazing friends who have always had my back. I don’t see them or talk with them as often as I’d like, but they are always in my heart (yes, I’m looking specifically at you Joe, Shannon, & Mark).

I am grateful that I’m a psych nurse. I love helping those patients.

I am grateful that I was born in the United States where we can all spout off whatever stupid, inane, and idiotic opinions we have because of this wonderful little thing called the Constitution.

 

So I might be a little melancholy today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful.

 

Here’s hoping for a gratitude-filled day for you all.

It’s never ever perfect, but it’s all we’ve got, folks.

Let’s make the most of it.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.